It's 10 o'clock, Do you know where your teens are?

This is a great article about keeping track of your teens during the summer. Some parents do not want to feel like the are "stalking" their teens, but shouldn't we be?

by :Richard Rende Ph.D

As summer approaches, teens will have more free time, less structure in their schedule and, possibly, more social opportunities. While all this sounds fun, the reality is that parents face a challenge in making sure their kids stay safe and out of (serious) trouble. 

Researchers have consistently found three aspects of parenting that are critically important when parenting teens. These include:

Monitoring

This first principle involves more than trying to keep tabs on your kid's whereabouts. Monitoring refers to having in-depth knowledge of:

• where your teen is;
• who they are with;
• what they are doing.

Let's take an example. Suppose a teen tells a mom that she will be "hanging out at the mall with some friends." It can be said that the mom consequently knows where her daughter will be (at the mall), whom she will be with (some friends, and what they will be doing (hanging out).

However, this is not what we mean by monitoring. The daughter could be intending to meet up with her two best friends, getting something to eat in the food court and looking in some of her favorite stores. It could also mean hanging out in a car in a parking lot with some kids she recently met including someone who has a six-pack of beer.

The key to monitoring is having real knowledge about what's really going on in a teen's life. One advantage of modern technology is that teens who have phones can be expected to respond to periodic calls or have designated "check-in" times. In this way, monitoring can happen in real time (and not just before and after a teen leaves the house).

Limit setting

This second principle refers to having rules that set appropriate boundaries for teens that are truly enforced (and have consequences tied to violations of the rules).

Using the example presented above, the mom may have a rule that says "you can't drink" and a related one that says "if other kids are drinking you need to get away from them." These rules are concrete and also acknowledge that while there are things that happen that aren't under the teen's control (it may happen that she and her friends run into other friends, some of whom are drinking), the teen has options about how to respond appropriately.

And it's important that if the rules are broken, some form of contingency is there (if you hang out with kids who drink, you cannot go out for two weeks). The challenge here is to be flexible and realistic and work with your teen to set reasonable rules that allow some freedom along with protection against dangerous behavior and situations.

Communication

Monitoring and limit setting depend on solid communication between a parent and a teen. Although it can be a fine line, you want to stay in control of the boundaries of your teen's behavior while promoting a sense of open dialogue. For example, limit setting doesn't work if a teen is not comfortable enough to tell the parent the truth. One important thing to try to accomplish is to let your teen know that you are monitoring and setting limits to help them enjoy their life without finding themselves in situations that would make them uncomfortable or pose dangers.

Being open and having frank talks about risky behaviors — and their consequences — provides a platform of trust and allows a teen to feel comfortable talking to you about his or her life. Being a strict disciplinarian or a "buddy" does not achieve this.

Your teen will undoubtedly face some tricky situations where emotions are running high. You have to have a real partnership with them so that you both can discuss their social world — and yet have an understanding that you will be monitoring their behavior and setting limits so that they can stay safe and healthy.

Parenting a teen can be a difficult thing. Embracing these three principles may not only help your teen navigate the challenges that arise in their life outside your home, but also help both of you maintain a good and productive relationship through the teen years.

Richard Rende, Ph.D., lives in Dartmouth. He is a developmental psychologist and research professor at the Alpert Medical School of Brown University. His research program focuses on family influences on the development of behavior problems in childhood, adolescence and the transition to adulthood. The opinions expressed in this column are his and his alone. Contact him at richardrendephd@gmail.com.